I’ve been greatly influenced by two books I’ve read this month: “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin and “The Artist’s Way,” by Julia Cameron. Together they have affirmed my belief that being true to oneself is the highest of pursuits. This concept of being true to oneself became very real to me when the topic came up in a late night conversation with two of my best friends. I brought up the idea to Meg and Claire, and then without really thinking said, “I’m not always true to myself.” They looked at me shocked, stating that I was one of the most genuine people they knew. “In what way,” they asked, “wasn’t I true to myself?” It took me a minute before my conscience became aware of what my subconscious had openly voiced. “I am much more religious than I often let on. My faith is incredibly important to me and is a much larger part of my life than most people would probably guess.” The conversation proceeded- and now to this day with Meg and Claire I find it much easier to be open about my belief. The act of recognizing my self deceit was enough to propel me into greater integrity.

Last Friday I went to see three of my students perform in Beauty and the Beast. I love amateur theater. It excites me incredibly. Directing a musical is on my list of “to do’s” for life. So, naturally I found myself thinking how would I do this or that- mostly I wondered How do you motivate high schoolers to feel comfortable shedding their shells and truly opening up and letting loose- allowing a foreign character to override their selected state of expression? There were but a few students who truly took on a new character. You could tell the others wanted to, to let themselves act and play pretend, but in fear of looking silly they stayed stoic, expressionless.

On Sunday, I was teaching the youth at my church about Matthew 5:14-16 “Ye are the light of the world.” We talked about what it meant to “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Because this idea of being true to oneself was on my mind, I brought it up, and told the students that one of the best ways to show light is through smiling. After blabbing on about the need and power of smiles I asked all of the students to just break out in a broad grin and see how they felt. One girl immediately smiled- she’s the most confident of the group, a couple others slowly joined her. One boy, resisted my encouragement until I said, “Uh, Uh, I see it coming.” Unable to help it, he broke into a gorgeous grin. His eyes sparkled and a feeling of warmth radiated from him. The change was truly stirring. This ear-pierced young man, who typically carries an air of closed toughness was suddenly transformed into an innocent, kind, open, boy. The week before we had talked about Christ’s call that we be like children. I had thought about the characteristics of children a lot the week preceeding and was struck by the realization that children are open- they are true to themselves, at least until their surroundings teach them to be otherwise. A few years ago while serving in the Primary, I was saddened when child after child stifled smiles after delivering their rehearsed lines in our sacrament meeting presentation. They were thrilled with themselves and excited to be up infront of the whole church.  But, desiring to be mature, They held down the smiles that so naturally wanted to play on their faces. This realization saddened me greatly. I noted that those children who smiled openly, confidently, were also the children who’s parent’s were opening proud of their children- who smiled right back.

In “The Happiness Project” the author finds that “Be Gretchen” is the most effective of her self-made commandments for happiness. She realizes that just because others find some things fun, doesn’t mean she should. This thought really struck me as I realized that over and over I find myself doing things because I feel like I should enjoy them. Personally, I don’t find big parties very enjoyable. I much prefer a small group. I prefer deep conversation to small chat. And yet I’ve always felt guilty for not being more “social.” I wish I found pop culture more fun, but it doesn’t interest me. In college I forced myself to listen to operatic music, I was studying opera after all. But Broadway is my first love, and listening to Barbara Striesand makes me a whole lot happier than Maria Callas. I’m happiest when I’m true to my silly enthusiastic self, when I get serious or critical, I feel gray. I feel blessed to have a husband who loves me for me. I don’t feel the need to shape myself in some other way to please him. I think I acted my age for the first time after we got married, because I realized it was okay to just be 21! It’s amazing how often we subconsciously deceive ourselves. “Being Kjirsti” can be shocking. Little did I know that I was sort of deceiving myself when I claimed I wanted some grand career, that I thought Motherhood wouldn’t be fulfilling. I always felt artificial when networking and auditioning, now as a Mom I feel like I have truly come to myself. I was made to be a mother, I’m a natural, I’ve never felt more happy!

I wonder how many other areas of my life are being dulled due to forced interests or actions.

Being true to oneself also includes being true to ones conscious. I feel a real call to care for the elderly. And yet I rarely take the time to do so. Tuesday, I spent an hour with an elderly friend of mine and I left feeling so energized. This attention to conscience is the area of my life that needs the greatest attention. I know I am living below my potential in some areas of my life.

These two books have inspired me to be more genuine, to look into myself deeper and find my true identity- and then flaunt it!