Today started the first day of my second semester of Grad school. It looks like another full semester- I am hoping to cram a lot of classes in this first year so that I can go part time my last semester. This semester I am taking:
French 102
Italian 102 (as review)
Vocal Literature
Vocal Coaching
Vocal Pedagogy
Voice Lessons
Opera Workshop
Opera Production
I’ve decided I am going to face my goal of learning Italian fluently. So I’m taking 102 for review purposes so I can take 202 and 303 next year. I am certainly very rusty with my ability to recall words on my own. I understood the teacher very well and recognized the vocabulary I just couldn’t pull the vocabulary out of my own head to speak sentences, but already after just a day it is coming back. I’m thrilled, and so is Tom!
I’m hoping that taking French and Italian at the same time will help me separate them in my head so that I can maintain both at once. I have really enjoyed French and would hate to loose it.
I haven’t attended my pedagogy or literature classes yet, we’ll see how those go. I love both subjects so hopefully they go well. The pedagogy class is supposed to be more practicum based- so maybe I will just do some advised teaching.
I started this semester off a little less spryly then the last. Last semester the newness of it all made it more exciting. I am certainly looking forward to my classes, and just being back in the learning mode was exciting today- I eagerly took notes and listened intently. I think the thing that damped my moods today was the emotional side of school and more specifically singing. I have pursued singing passionately since I was 13. All through High school I felt strongly that I wanted to pursue a career in opera. When I was granted acceptance and scholarship to Oberlin Conservatory I felt that it was a sign that this was indeed the Lord’s will for me. After four and a half years of conservatory training- I haven’t seen any other promising signs- that is besides stop signs. There is a strong part of me that just can’t give up, but there is another part that wonders if I am chasing a lost dream. I can’t say I am really chasing that dream any more. Too many hard experiences has extinguished that once bright flame of being an active performer. It has morphed into other desires- the desire to teach, the desire to share music with my friends, family, church, and community, my desire to bring music to my home, and sometimes just the desire to enjoy something I love- for my own personal happiness. But even as I enjoy teaching my 6 students each week it doesn’t completely fill that desire to be a performer. Every time I attend a masterclass or prepare for an audition that hope arises within me and I believe again, but every time the results are posted– and it fades.
Is it wrong to give up an old dream? Am I a failure if I admit that I don’t think I can obtain that dream? When is it okay to say that the sacrifice necessary to achieve a dream isn’t worth the “dream” itself? How long do you pursue dreams? When is it okay to let new dreams replace old dreams?
This Friday I’ll go to the chorus rehearsal of the opera. It will be just another reminder that yet again I wasn’t quite good enough to get a role. I’ll enjoy the chorus, make the most of it and learn a lot, but it will be hard as I watch my friends with their parts. I’ll silently think of how I would have played the role. I’ll be sincerely excited for them and I’ll support them all the way, but the wish that I was in their place will never leave me. Why can’t I get over this youthful dream?
7 responses to “Back at it”
You know I dont know if you are suppose to ever ‘get over it’ it is a part of you and who you have become. I went through a similar experience with English. I always wanted to be an English major with a minor in creative writing. That is what I have said since I was in grade school well for several reasons it wasn’t right and I felt so lost, what was I suppose to do? I am still writing but I know I need to take another course in my education. It was like two years of being lost, confused, hurt and depressed when I would think about school. Alot of praying and facing what I didn’t want to face has brought me to what I’m suppose to do. Don’t give up you’ll get there.
Kjirst, I love you and believe you are incredibly gifted person. Remember that life extends into eternity. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder about the “dream” thing, but then I just have to remember that there is a time and place for everything. The Lord loves you and has much in store for you. Your musical training and gifts will bless your and other’s lives forever.
Thanks for the make up. It made me smile. It was very thoughtful of you. Oh, and thanks for sending the flat stanley stuff. Sorry about all the hassle. It will be perfect.
Kjirsti,
I’m a strong believer in multifinality when it comes to dream fulfillment. What I mean is I have faith that if we remain open there may arise new beautiful ways for our hopes to materialize that we wouldn’t have predicted. For example, perhaps your dream of being a musical performer need not be constrained to professional opera. As you noted, there are multitudinous other opportunities out there to perform and share your talents that you may discover are significantly more rewarding than a career in opera. What I’m finding in my schooling is that egotism is common among fields of study, to the point that many experts/mentors strive to convince their students that the only “honorable” trajectory is the narrow path that they outline. Your teachers, or whoever makes the technical decisions at opera tryouts have no clue regarding what God has in store for you. Don’t let anyone but God restrict the innumerable ways that your talents can be used to bless humanity.
We love you and believe in you all the way!
Kjirsti,
You have to analyze what your dream really is. I once dreamed of dancing abroad and i always thought that I would be doing ballet. Then I opened the horizon and realized my dream through ballroom. My dream when I really dissected it wasn’t to dance ballet abroad but to just dance. Is your dream really to do opera or to be on stage entertaining expressing and sharing with an audience. I think you need to open your perspective and get a little bit creative once you have determined what your deep down yearning desire really is to then go out and find it or create it.
I think Opera is a Little stuffy and stiff it’s all wrapped up in a tight box with a key to open it and only a select few have access to the key. It’s not open and welcoming to the world. This is how I felt classical ballet was. It was so defined that I struggled to fit the mold. Then I found my own freedom of expression though dance and again the wings of my dreams began to fly.
You are an exquisite performer completely captivating an audience. It’s not perfect trills our 180 degree turn out that moves the audience. It isn’t the deepest most voluminous sound or the highest flattest leaps the pull an audience to the edge of their seat. I came to realize the energy and power of the connection between the performer and the audience is what I craved and dreamed of and what I miss. and I knew that the more technique I developed the more control I would have to create this environment but it was much more. The classical opera and dance are dying and whats embraced by a greater population is that which is empowering, moving, entertaining not technically perfect.
You have the inherent gift to captivate your audience and no amount of training can give someone what you where born with. There is a place for you to be professional performer is that what you want so don’t give up, just open your eyes to all of the possibilities.
I love you and believe in you
getti
Tough stuff. I agree with all the other comments. To a small degree I feel the same way when I look at career options. I don’t know, some jobs seem pointless in the grand scheme of things. I don’t think plumbers are going to have a big business in heaven. Who knows though. I think no matter what you do in singing you can be of a benefit to those around you. I think what you said about stop signs is very significant. A lot of people say you can be whatever you want to be nothings impossible. I don’t agree, I believe with God nothings impossible. Maybe its not in the plan for you to be an Opera singer. Its so easy to sit here and tell you what to do when its not my dream. Good luck you will always be my hero!
Kjirsti, Our loving Heavenly Father has a plan for you. Enjoy each moment you have to learn and grow. Find happiness and gratitude in the simple things. Look for ways to share your Faith and concentrate on serving others in your own personal way. At the end of the day everything will work out for the best even though some of the journey Looked bleak. I Love You, I’m sorry for your pain. No pain No gain. Your becoming stronger and wiser for some needful purpose in the future. Love Mom
I love your honesty and sharing your feelings with us in this post, Kjirst. Though I don’t have an answer to you, I’ve thoughts….Such introspection is healthy, keeps us motivated after we find our answers, though it’s stressful! I think I had to go through that process every month in nursing school (though it was only 2 yrs!). And Micah this last semester with film which also has been pursing since 13.
I can think of two examples: When Joseph Smith started that bank for the church and it went bankrupt, time for a new dream but the initial one was certainly inspired. Or how Brigham Young had to tear down his dreamed S.L. temple only to rebuild it! Kept the dream alive. Our ambitions aren’t as grandeur as running the church, but definitely as meaningful to individual lives, to our happiness!
Tell me when you find the answer to that question, when can new dreams replace old ones! I could use that answer myself!