In my last post I spoke of needing to find more time to meet my needs. Then I left for the weekend at my folks, and returned full of desire to “get things done.” My return coincided with three days of GORGEOUS sunshine and warmth. And true to my “drop everything and enjoy the sun” rule, we spend all three days outside attending to the many gardening chores on my list: planting, transplanting, weeding, pruning, mowing. Like a worker ant I toiled all three days stopping only briefly here and there to push Scotland on his swing, go up and pretend pirates were after us in his fort, collect his many gifts of dandelions and half-attentively respond to his on-going chatter. I fed quickly and attended to other chores while I held him, wishing him to sleep as often as possible. I checked many things off my list, which brought a rush of “happiness” but it was surprisingly short lived. At the end of each day I was exhausted- middle of the night feedings combined with no naps made for a cranky and impatient mother- a woman seemingly incapable of attending to the task of putting two boys, with VERY different needs, to bed at the same time, by myself. The morning after the second night Tom arrived home from work (at 8:00AM) and as he hugged me, I started crying. (Why is it that he has this effect on me?) Embarrassed, I brushed the tears aside, and said “I’m fine.” He gave me some time (because he’s wonderful like that) and then asked again. “Sometimes, mothering is just hard,” I responded.
As I look back on those days I realize that there were a few things to blame for my hardships: fatigue, do to poor sleep choices combined with a not-sleeping-through the night infant; the absence of support due to Tom working nights; but most significantly, the fact that I was entirely focused on my “to-do list,” and thus saw the kids as roadblocks to my success.
The key to happy mothering is mostly perception. It’s amazing how one day I can thrill at each smile and silly face, while waving off the obstinance, messes, and crying; while another day my nerves are rattled every time the baby spits up or screams, every time Scotland acts out or refuses to obey. I had three of the latter this week, and when I look back I realize that, as usual, I am mostly to blame. Determined to enjoy every ray of sunshine I was overly annoyed when Anders wanted more attention before going to sleep, I was frustrated that Scotland took so long to – anything, and I felt burdened by the necessity of taking care of both boys, when all I wanted to do was be in my garden. Today it rained, and rained, we mostly stayed in doors, and I was back to my happy mothering self. I patiently waited for Scotland to “be ready” to do our daily reading, I took the time to just sit on the couch and smile and interact with Anders, I sat and talked and talked and talked with Scotland during dinner time, and (with exception to his first nap) I was attentive enough to Anders that I put him to sleep when he needed to go down, and thus he gave very little complaint. I’m probably over-simplifying, maybe the real reason today went so nicely was that Anders did go to sleep easily, and thus I wasn’t dealing with a crying infant all day (which can do anybody in.) But, experience has taught me that there is at least a nugget of truth to my prior observation. When my attention is willingly turned to my family, I’m happier. Despite the short thrill of doing things for myself, at the end of the day I was grumpy, uptight, stressed. While today, when I took things slower, focused less on getting things done and more on loving others, I’ve ended the day in a warm glow.
I suppose this proves what Christ said “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” King Benjamin said “when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.” That God “who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not.” God promised that His is a plan of Happiness. When I focus more on serving others than serving myself, I’m blessed with inner peace and calm. I don’t think that means one must entirely ignore one’s needs, but perhaps one’s wants. This is a hard doctrine. It’s not a popular one. But I believe it’s true. My heart tells me so.