I’m blessed to have seven siblings. All of whom I’m very close to, and each of which enrich my life in different ways. My eldest brother, Derek, is keen on discussing ideas and making me think. He frequently sends me articles asking “What do you think?” Recently, he asked my opinion on the teaching of modesty to young women. Here’s my response:
Did you get a chance to watch the TED talk I sent on sexual objectification. It really struck me. It made me want to rephrase my language when I talk about appearance and modesty. I think we play into the culture of sexual objectification when we make a girl feel like certain clothes make her more of an object to men (even though brain scans prove that immodest clothes actually change a man’s brain so he sees a woman as such.) I thought the part where she said “We teach our boys that their bodies are tools with which to actively participate in the world. We teach our girls that their bodies are projects to be worked on,” was poignant. It made me want to address clothes and modesty in a new way. Dress in a way that allows you to perform well- whether that means choosing sensible shoes, or less restrictive (and usually form fitting) skirts. Choose to exercise not so you can keep a slim figure that is beautiful or attractive by societies standards, but because it allows you to live life with more ease and gusto.
Dantzi made the point when we were there that instead of learning how to do her hair, and doing it in the morning she is learning how to play the violin. My first thought was, come on Dantzi, it’s important to learn how to do your hair, and then I watched that clip and I thought “You go Dantzi! Scrap your hair!” How much more important for her to learn a skill. Yes, she should wear her hair neatly so as to respect her God-given body, but why spend a bunch of time making her self look a certain way?
I’ve changed my tune on modesty as well. (Interestingly, we’re having a mutual activity on modesty this week. I had nothing to do with the planning of it, so we’ll see how it goes.) I think too often it leads girls to view themselves as sex objects- or at least objects that lead boys to think “impure” thoughts. We can talk about tips for covering up here or there, but I don’t think that address the root of the problem- that most girls are focusing their clothing choices on what is “attractive.” I had two voice students who dressed very modestly, but also very plainly- jeans and t-shirts. They wore their hair simply and didn’t wear makeup. It was clear that dressing fashionably or attractively was not an emphasis in their home. They were always clean and comely, and wore beautiful dresses to the recitals. But their time was clearily spend in other pursuits- as was their Mom’s. I can’t imagine they spend Saturdays at the mall, but rather curled up on the couch reading, learning french, raising sheep, or singing! They were smart, thoughtful, modest girls. I made a note to raise my girls similarly. I was always refreshed by how unconcerned they were with the trappings of fashion and apparel.
Listening to the TED talk I realized that I am victim to this culture of sexual objectification. I spend too much time worrying about my “attractiveness” (Though not in as sexual a way as the speaker suggests.)
So to Ryanna I would say: “You’re right!” Let’s focus on teaching girls to spend their time doing and accomplishing. Get up in the morning and study the scriptures, and pull your hair back in a neat pony tail. Buy sensible clothes that allow you to be active, to focus on your studies and not your hemline. Instead of comparing how beautiful you are in comparison to the other girls in your class, discover your strengths, interests and passions and delve into them. Throw away the fashion magazines and pick up a classic. Forget about what the boys think about your looks, instead hold heated debates about ideas, compete with them in athletics, and study the gospel together. Thank goodness I had boys first, because I have a ways to go before I can adopt this mindset myself- and thus be a proper example to my girls. Instead of focusing on modesty, I think we should focus on virtue- and the pursuit of all things praiseworthy and of good report!
-Kjirst
6 responses to “A letter to my brother- Modesty”
Kjirsti, you were always the prime example of virtue and modesty. I really doubt you will have a hard time adjusting to be a perfect example to a daughter in that regard! Well written, thank you.
love this kjirsti! that is real modesty.
I think this is great. I have a problem with the “don’t dress to give boys impure thoughts” mantra that sometimes gets repeated. I think everybody needs to respect themselves and dress for themselves, not for anybody else. And I think you’re right that dressing to appear “attractive” is more than just sexual–I think it’s too easy to get into a mode of comparing yourself to other people who look so perfectly put together or who are so skinny and fit or who have the coolest clothes. The ensign had an article on morality this month and I was deeply offended by the section on modesty, which put nearly all (and that “nearly” is being generous) of the burden of modesty on women. It included the sentence, “In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for.” I think that at worst, this statement and the sentiments behind it lead to a blame-the-victim mentality. At best, it is the other side of the same sexual objectification coin. When women dress, modestly or otherwise, it shouldn’t be about “getting a man.” It should be about what you need to do that day. I like to think that Brandon chose me, not because he likes slobs who wear sweat pants A LOT and rarely do hair and makeup, but because he actually spoke to me and learned that I’m smart and occasionally hilarious and that I can rap almost one whole Eminem song without any shame and that I like adventures and trying new things and I am a solid conversation partner and like board games and work hard.
I think there are solid self-respect reasons to be modest, and that belief has only come after a lot of soul-searching because I find the cultural “Church” reasons so troubling.
Recently I’ve had a lot of exposure to one extreme end of the sexual objectification spectrum. I do document review work, which often means sifting through the e-mails of business executives. In one such review, a very large number of e-mails being sent back and forth by the all-male executives contained hard-core pornographic images. The women portrayed in this pornography possessed totally unrealistic physical characteristics. After looking at image after image and reading the accompanying messages, it became clear that the ONLY value that women had for the executives in this company was as objects of sexual desire. I cannot express the discouragement I felt day after day on that project, realizing that in addition to all the other obstacles I face trying to find employment, there are those who would turn me away because they truly are unable to contemplate a woman’s value outside of her physical body.
I think that sexual objectification is a huge and nearly ubiquitous problem and I think retreating to the other end of the spectrum doesn’t solve the problem or elevate the conversation. We don’t dress modestly because “modest is hottest” or we’re trying to avoid leading young men astray because they can’t control their own thoughts. We dress modestly because it’s practical. You can’t change a tire and hold up your tube top at the same time. You can’t concentrate in class if you’re worried about your skirt riding up. You can’t climb on a floating water-trampoline in Aruba if you’re worried about your swim suit top falling down in front of the whole Evans family (that last one may have been taken from my own life–and I did try to have it both ways, and my mother in law and sister in law saw more than they bargained for). If we really teach our girls that their bodies are tools, then they won’t bind them up so tightly in clothes that they can’t move, they won’t feel the need to restrict their food intake to conform to “attractive” norms, and they will be empowered to focus on the artistic, professional, trade or intellectual vocations that speak to them, rather than being focused on how they are being judged, for better or for worse, by the way they are dressed.
I know that’s an oversimplification. Unfortunately, girls and women receive a huge amount of pressure surrounding how they dress and are constantly faced with perceived or actual judgment based on their bodies and their dress. But it’s by having this dialogue that things can start to change.
Kjirsti, I am also grateful for your thoughtful oldest brother for bringing this up, and for your thoughtful and non-judgmental words on the subject.
Powerfully written, Anne. Thanks for adding some important points to the dialogue.
My question is: How, having taught you voice, have I never heard your Eminem rap?
I have TOTALLY done it for you. TOTALLY. I know I have. We’ll have to have a voice teacher/student reunion featuring a rap recital.
I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this subject Kjirsti! Working with the youth has recently brought this issue to the forefront of my mind. I appreciate your perspectives as I mull it over and contemplate the best way to approach this topic with them.