Tom has had to work the last two Sundays, but today he is off! It was so wonderful to sit by him at church and be able to share Scotland’s wiggles.
Tom’s work schedule has been intense, 70+ hour weeks. He probably saw Scotland for a total of five hours last week. I won’t claim it isn’t hard. I’ve done pretty well with it, but then I’ll have moments when I just crash and it all seems too much. Last night was one of those times. Fortunately, it happen just before it was time for me to head off to the Adult Session of Stake Conference. (A church meeting held for all the adults in our entire region.) The half hour drive gave me plenty of time to feel guilty and embarrassed for the way I had acted. It wasn’t fair for me to blame Tom for my frustrations. He didn’t want to spend his whole Saturday studying either. I entered the meeting a few minutes late, frustrated, disgruntled, perplexed. I left the meeting calm, at peace, humbled. I prayed throughout the meeting, asking question after question, and then recorded answer after answer in my journal. 
Our Stake President spoke of how all the Lord asks of us is that we strive each day to be like Him. He said the Lord is often more patient with us, than we are with ourselves. I realized that it is okay to crack sometimes- it shows that I’m trying hard. I recall a quote that said something like. If you don’t fail from time to time you aren’t pushing yourself hard enough. Failing is a byproduct of trying new things. Only when we require more of ourselves than we are currently capable of, will our body and spirit finally concede and start to change- improve.
Many of my impressions were highly personal- and thus belong in my journal. But one feeling I wanted to share, in hopes it will bless you as much as it did me. As I drove home, Emma Smith was brought to my recollection. Emma was the wife of Joseph Smith, a prophet that restored the gospel to the earth. Her life was exceedingly difficult. Her husband’s life was constantly in jeopardy. Her family was severely persecuted. Mob men broke into her house, dragged out her husband and tarred and feathered him. She was often destitute relying on the goodness of others. They were continually moving to keep Joseph safe. Eventually those mob men took her husband’s life- leaving her to fend for herself and their large family. And yet she stood by him, she supported him, she believed in him. She, like me, had moments when it all seemed too much. Moments when she “cracked.” I felt a new admiration for Emma. I haven’t had to endure anything close to what she experienced. It made me realize I need not fear the future. I need not shy away from “hard things.” Great men require great wives. How grateful I am that Emma facilitated Joseph’s service in the church. That she provided an environment where he could pursue those things the Lord has asked of him. Joseph’s legacy, is also Emma’s. 
Now, I realize my husband is not a prophet. But I felt strongly yesterday of his potential. Tom has been blessed with an extraordinary mind and personality. His relentless ability to pursue a question until it is solved, as well as his mind’s incredibly capability of understanding abstract and difficult concepts paired with his remarkable love and care for others makes him perfectly equipped to leave his own legacy in the area of medical research. I know that if I asked, if I demanded, Tom would give it all up for me. He has always supported and facilitated me in my own desires and pursuits. He has never once complained about the thousands upon thousands of dollars of student loans that I brought into the relationships. Money that I haven’t come close to making up. He has encouraged, even pushed me as I’ve discovered new passions and interests, even when they’ve required significant sacrifice from him.  
I too often label myself as playing the supporting role to his lead. But a deeper analysis confirms that with out his support I would be playing a role that would be very hard indeed. There is no lead in a celestial marriage. Only two partners equally yolked, walking in step. From time to time I play lame, thinking it’s he who is dragging me a long, but its only because I’ve lost the vision of our own mutual excellence. I felt powerfully the last few days that until we have created a shared vision, a shared destination we will continue to cut into each others necks as one pulls this way and the other pulls that. Not until I have received a testimony of Tom’s calling on earth will I be able to fully support him. 
How grateful I am for the gift of the Holy Ghost that has confirmed these truths.