So I wrote a long post on this subject about a week ago, and then decided it was more appropriate for my journal than this public blog. But I’m going to include some of my thoughts here now, because I’m really interested in your opinions. I rarely ask for comments (though I always appreciate them) but this is one of those times when I’m asking, if you have an opinion, and I hope you do, that you please share it. 
Last weekend, Tom and I went to the symphony to hear my friend Tammy sing with the Cleveland Orchestra. I ate up the first piece- an abstract composition by Ligiti. Sitting there immersed in the music I realized how much I missed music. For six years of my life I was literally surrounded by music constantly. Educated through the conservatory setting I couldn’t escape it- and I didn’t want to. Music fills me, enlivens me. Sitting there I realized that there was a void inside of me that hadn’t been filled in a long time. During the second piece “Prelude to Lohengrin” by Wagner, I dug a little deeper: Not only did I miss music, I missed singing. Being honest with myself, I realized I still want to sing. I’ve told myself this past year that lullabies were sufficient. And maybe they were, but they aren’t anymore. It’s time for me to get back at it. Tears flowed down my face as this reality hit me. How?
All these thoughts simmered inside of me for the next few days: 
I want to sing. . . But I’m so out of shape. . .I need to start taking lessons again. . .I’ve already spent so much money, I should be paying back loans not spending more money. . .Who will watch Scotland?. . . I can’t rely on Tom, he has more on his plate that he can handle already. . .But I hate the idea of leaving him with a sitter more than I already do. . .Am I even good enough. . . Pursuing singing is just selfish. . . of course it isn’t, think how inspired I was at the symphony concert. . .I’ve commited myself to Christ, shouldn’t I be spending my time and energy building up the kingdom?. . . Is singing a frivilous pursuit?. . . The “I am Mormon” campaign has highlighted people who are pursuing passionate lives of all sorts- painting, surfing, writing. Clearly the church condones the pursuit of creative passion. . . God has given me this talent, and wants me to use it. . . but how?. .. I don’t really want to make the sacrifices necessary to sing professionally. . .all I want to do is throw a recital from time to time. . be ready, if something comes my way. 
So, sorry for that brain dump, but my questions to you are these:
-What role do passions play in your life? How much time and energy should one dedicate to ones own passions?
-What is the role of entertainment? (I love the idea of giving inspiring, uplifting recitals. But I also love to be silly and make people laugh. Is there anything wrong with spending considerable amounts of time for the sole purpose entertaining?)
I like to think that my singing lifts others, makes them happy, stirs feelings within them, BUT say it doesn’t. Is it still a worthy use of my time- just because it brings me great joy? How much selfish indulgence is okay?
(Scotter’s up. So sorry, that this entirely unedited.)

3 responses to “Singing”

  1. Hi! Just want to say that I have been there and been (and still go through) through similar struggles. It’s a lot to write here so maybe we can talk in person or I will write you an email later this week! 🙂

  2. Aw, Kjirsti, I think all singer-moms must go through this. This year, I’ve been singing with a chamber choir in addition to singing at church, and so far it gives me just enough of the taste of performing, without requiring the intense time commitment that a solo performance would. I think it’s also helped that about half of our rep is sacred, so I still feel like I’m serving God through the music. I hope you find the right balance for you!

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