When I suggested the girls come out for a visit this summer, I sort of assumed I would be relieved when they left. As I wanted them to come for a long time, but I also knew it would be very demanding on my time. Yes, I postponed many projects, but there was no real sacrifice involved on my part. These past few weeks have been rich in experience and memories. I have learned more about myself in the last month than I have in a long time. Many things that are not so favorable, and others that are exciting and fresh. I feel so blessed to have a sister who would “loan” me her kids for a while so I could play mother.
I’ve really been mothering since I was a child. I have three younger siblings: a brother that is five years younger, a sister who is ten years younger, and another sister who is fifteen years younger. I was often taken as a teenage pregnancy case when I was in high school and would be seen carrying my baby sister with me as I ran errands. In many ways I feel pretty experienced as a mother. I’ve changed my share of diapers and rocked screaming children to sleep. However, it has been years since I have done so. I have changed a lot since then. However, I found myself reverting back into my older self when I retook-on that mothering role. I was more serious, more reserved, more strict, and less happy. I felt stuck in this “mothering role” that I had developed as a child. Could I maintain structure and teach important rules and habits to my nieces and still be my spontaneous, energetic, and open self? How could I be the fun, lax one, if Tom took on that role? Didn’t someone have to be hard-edged?
I’ve in no way figured this all out. But this little mothering practicum has allowed me a peak into my natural mothering tendencies. I’ve been taught that “The natural man is an enemy to God.” And in most ways my natural tendencies are not the ideals I would like. I want my children to be polite, thoughtful, driven, disciplined, and confident, but I also want them to know that they can get a ready laugh, smile, or play session with their mother. I want my children to see me as I am now, an independent, happy, creative, and individual being who was blessed to be their mother.
How grateful I am for the opportunity to create these memories with Brecklyn and Talia. They will forever more hold a dear place in my heart.
2 responses to “Suddenly childless”
dear kjirsti, I love you. thank you so much for taking us in and letting us have the best time . I miss you so much and I am having a hard time holding the tears back as I write this. by the way in your bedroom there is a special suprise hidden . loveyou, and can’t wait to see you again.
love, brecki
How “natural” do you think the mothering tendencies you discribe are? And are they really “mothering” tendencies? Or are they “big sister” tendencies? Given your experience, you may have to dig deep to uncover what is truley natural.
In any case, I say that having your own child is distinguishable from careing for the children of others. Though experience is not irrelevant, I’m not sure you can ever really be prepared to parent your first child. That said, it will certainly be fun to watch you try (maybe even as fun as following your dating).