Scotland loves to collect “stuff” from around the house and collect it into a common place. Sometimes the container is an emptied ziplock bag, a backpack, a cardboard box, or yesterday, a tent. He tends to continue to find things to add to his container until it is full. So you can imagine what sort of mess we had on our hands when we put away the tent last night. I awoke this morning to this pile of random stuff and felt my anxiety building and my frustration rising. I knew there was no way that my three year old child could responsibly put all of this stuff away. But because he made the mess, it only made sense that he did. I wanted to trash it all. In my frustration I started calling all of it “junk” and making exclamations like: “This just isn’t okay. Things go in certain places and when things get disconnected from their intended spots then they aren’t fun any more.” My chest tightened. How can I curb this behavior? Immediately, I looked at myself.
I need to be more of a stickler. I need to consistently demand that things be put away, in the right place. There needs to be a right place, with a pictorial label. I must stop allowing Scotland to take anything anywhere. Some strict ground rules need to be established. Then my flip-side chipped in:
But free play and imaginative play are the building blocks of a child’s learning. The stricture and structure of the adult world can stifle a child’s imagination, creativity, and joy. Who cares if your toys aren’t organized. They’re not for you!
And so goes the debate in my head. One day I’ll side with the structured one, the next day I’ll give in to the creative one. It’s the architect and the artist fighting inside of my head. One wants order, the other wants freedom. You can’t have one with out the other. So where is the balance? Should I say, Scotland you can only choose a container this size or smaller to keep your treasure. Or, you can only dump your treasures out in this bin.
Tom and I are working to raise children who can find joy in the mundane, thrill in the ordinary. So while I crave order and cleanliness, even more I want creativity and life. Now I just need to figure out how to have both at the same time! Ideas?
2 responses to “Mothering philosophies in conflict”
i know exactly how you feel. I have to clean up Aspen’s room 10 times a day and even before bedtime so if i have to get up in the middle of the night and check on her i wont trip over her toys in her bedroom.
kjiristi, I loved reading this:) It reminds me so much of myself. I know when my “woman cycle” is starting because anything messy and out of order drives me nuts and I complain awfully. Sometimes I will just sit down on the couch and read to any child that will allow to me just so I can’t wander the house and notice anything that may be out of order:) I am writing you this in hopes that a few things I have learned along the way might help. I still to this day struggle with it, but with maturity and 4 children later feel like I should have it figured out…haha… Not so much. I would suggest food. That has always been a wonderful thing in our home, anytime they ask for a snack, I look around and see what can be picked up and put away. So I usually say “yes, you may have a snack after you pick up 7 things and put them away where they belong”. Sometimes I even throw reminders out such as…”I see that you guys are creating something so wonderful with all of those things, please remember that when you are done they need to be put away”
I too LOVE creativity in children, and try and remind them that to have peace and love in our home their has to be order also. It really is harder when they are at a younger age, but I feel strongly that if you teach them to pick up, put things away, it is soo much easier when they are older. I am still struggling with trying not to use the word “MESS” when my kids are playing with something. Just the other day I went to a funeral. My oldest daughter was in charge and I came home to find the others outside. My 8 year was inside and she was a little sad that her sister told her if she wanted to play with the moondough she had to pick up every single little crumb, and could not make a mess. (This was I am sure not said in the most kind way) It made me step back and look at how I react when I have to clean up messes. We are moms, and 1 more mess to clean up can get exhausting daily. It’s moments like these though, where I realize I need to rephrase or check the way I am reacting to my children, and how they are using their time to play. I don’t know if any of this is making sense, so sorry. What i would leave you with is the word “balance”. Remind yourself that cleanliness and order is NOT a bad thing, and letting your children create and play is not a bad thing. So praying and asking Heavenly Father to help you find a way to better deal with it a teaching, calm way will always be a good thing;) Good luck!! What a blessing we get to be home everyday with these sweet little ones..Rischel