Perhaps the only thing I remember from college orientation was this advice. “At some point during college you are all going to call your parents and tell them that everything is going horribly, you hate college, or you feel like you’re failing, or something. Do me a favor- and when things have turned around and you’re loving college again, your succeeding- call them again and tell them! Too often we report when we’re low but never when we’re high.” A month ago I wrote a post during a low. I re-read it tonight and was struck by how many of those problems that seemed so insurmountable that week, that night, aren’t even issues anymore. I complained that I never had quiet time for deep thinking- that the cessation of Scotland’s afternoon naps had resulted in the extinction of my personal time. It seems silly now, but I had the hardest time coming up with a solution to that problem. Now Scotland has a quiet time for 45 minutes, after which he can come downstairs and play quietly, or listen to audiobooks for another hour. (We recently found this youtube station which is our favorite. If you have kids, check it out. It’s amazing!) Because I’ve been consistent he knows that that time is also my quiet time- so he can’t talk to me (well at least not constantly :)) and he needn’t ask to play with me. As a result I have felt such freedom in knowing that I have an hour and a half each day that I can plan to do whatever I need. Sometimes I waste it away with general home upkeep, but other times I’ve had soulful study sessions, or lively phone calls. It’s when I can blog or work on a difficult project. Knowing that I will have that time to attend to tasks has made it so much easier to be present during the 15-30 minutes of Scotter-led play earlier in the day.
I was feeling overburdened with Scotland’s requests for me to play with him. So I created a daily schedule. He now knows that there will be no playing until after he’s ready for the day, we’ve eaten breakfast and he’s done his chore. (It turns out that that chore buys me TONS of non-guilt refusals because it generally takes him a while and I can say, I can’t play with you until you’ve finished your chore.) It’s also been nice for me to say, sorry I can’t right now I have to do my chores- placing myself under the same obligation of duty as he has and freeing me to take care of the general home maintenance that stresses me out when it goes undone. There is great power in “Rules.” Scotland is much more obedient when I say “Sorry that’s the rule.” Then “I don’t want you to do that.” I’ve also upped his social interactions considerably and that has helped fill his need for playmates, without that playmate always being me. Obvious, right. (Thank you Sarah.)
I’ve started to schedule in projects. Sunday nights I plan my week, and just knowing that after the kids go to bed I’m going to hem curtains helps me have the motivation and energy to do it, instead of wasting the evening away looking up random things on the internet. I’ve also let go of “is this worth my time.” If it’s something I keep thinking about, it’s worth it to me to attend to it. It’s amazing how good it feels to have finally checked off a few projects. I’m still working on hanging frames. I might have a complex.
I mentioned that I wasn’t using the Atonement. Well, I am now. I’ve started to call upon the Lord more, and it has changed me. The last three weeks I have felt so enamored with motherhood. I’ve regained my fascination with Scotland’s daily developments, with his silly fixations, and his deep questions. I’ve felt more of a desire to soak up Anders- to hold him longer, and sing to him more. The Lord has blessed me with a broader perspective of motherhood and I’ve been awed by the career I’ve chosen. (I’ve also decided to call myself a professional mother- but more on that later.)
I’ve stepped it up in my Young Women’s calling. Staying up later, brainstorming more. It’s brought a lot of fulfillment. I love my girls, I’m so excited for their futures. And I want so deeply to help them recognize and then desire to realize the potential within themselves.
I’ve scrapped the budget. 🙂 It’s amazingly liberating. wink wink.
2 responses to “Update: Reporting a rise back to "normal"”
It is so great to hear that things are getting better!!!! I have really, really struggled this past year to have “protected” time – whether it be time with my husband, time at work, time doing chores, or time with my children, I often felt like time in one area was spilling over into another area on a regular basis, essentially contaminating everything. Sometimes my inability to focus or dedicate special time to the various areas of my life leaves me feeling a bit embarrassed, maybe even ashamed. Not unsurprisingly, I just realized that one area I left off my list in my earlier sentence was “time for myself”. I have been terrible about making time for myself, and the result has been poor health, poor fitness, injury, and well, just a general decrease in how well I do just about everything. Lately, I have been working on being better. I am trying to say “no” to things more often and spend less time being angry about my situation (in other words, remembering and acknowledging that I have choices in all of this). Also, the fact that the boys are sleeping better these days (hallelujah!!!) helps tremendously. They both slept through the night for the first time the other night, which means that I got my first full-nights’ sleep in over a year!!!!! I am finishing my program very, very soon (just two weeks until my last day!), and I am looking forward to being a stay-at-home-mom, at least for a little while. It is strange, I absolutely love science and research. I truly do. However, I have become so exhausted over this past year trying to be both a mom and a scientist, not to mention a wife and a friend, that I have gotten rather burned out. I went back to work after the boys were 3 months old, even though I “felt” like I needed to take more time (pressures from work / society). Now, I again feel like I need to take time with my boys, but this time I am actually going to do it.
Katie. I so appreciate your honesty and openness. I was told once, it takes nine months to get into it, and it takes 9 months to get out. I would imagine that recovery number is doubled for twins- so it’s probably safe to say it’s going to take you 18 months until you feel “you” again. But I think the sleeping through the night thing is key. Give yourself a good month or two of regularly sleeping through the night and then reanalyze, you’ll be amazed at how different you feel about EVERYTHING! I’m happy to hear that you’ve made some decisions that you feel at peace about. Life is so individual. I read an article recently that said Life is lonely (and went on to say that it is a myth that marriage gets rid of loneliness.) Each of us journey along a path that is solely our own because we bring our individual tendencies, backgrounds, and abilities with us. It’s so easy to look around and assume that you are on the same “road” as some other mom who has a one year old boy, or who may even have one year old twins- but you’re not, your journey is your own. It’s a beautiful thing really. It makes judgement and comparison silly. It makes self exploration key. Only God knows you and what you’re going through, what you dream of, and what you are capable of.
I left my music career behind me for the most part, I still teach a bit, but I have full faith that I will be able to pick it up in the future if I so desire. Society says that’s impossible, that if you leave it you will never get back in. I think that’s ridiculous. If I’m fabulous people will want to watch me, take from me, listen to me. . . I’ll just have to make sure that I’m fabulous when the time comes. That may take a few years of getting back at it, but that’s okay. Because for me, now is my only chance to be fully present with my boys. Scotland said the other day as he sat on his Daddy’s lab- “I’m grateful for my tastebuds and my lungs.” Tom was startled by his thoughtful and brainy response, and said “Kjirsti, did you hear that?!” It was one of those moments when I thought “Drop of Awesome!” my three year old can identify and appreciate his lungs and tastebuds- I’m rocking this motherhood thing!
Can’t wait to watch you rock it as well!