We've resorted to a fair amount of bribing and a small amount of threatening around here. It all started with potty training. If you go potty, you can get a candy. My first attempt at potty training was the three day intensive boot camp variety. There were no bribes just a lot of “fun” chip eating/ movie watching while on the pot. It became quickly apparent however that the only reason Scotland would potty was to get his treats. There was no intrinsic motivation there. So when my healthy conscience decided that more than three days of trashy eating was unacceptable, Scotter's consistent dryness faded. Sigh! How does one spur intrinsic motivation in their child? I wondered. When my Mom came to help out with the baby, she decided to finalize Scotland's potty training. She brought with her an arsenal of treats. Everytime Scotland was successful he got to choose a few things from his special treat bag. It was a huge success. Scotland was pretty much potty trained in a week, and after a month we stopped giving him treats. There are more accidents now, then when he was consistently being awarded, but it may just be that we are less vigilent with reminders as well. I dislike the idea of bribing kids with food. It goes back to the idea posed in “Bringing up Bebe,” that Americans' obesity is partially tied to our tendency to use food as praise, bribery, emotional uplifts, etc. I thought it was a valid point, and so have made a point of rarely using food as a bribe, or babysitter. Then, potty training. “I'll make you a chocolate cake if. . .” (And let me tell you we all enjoyed the chocolate cake, often resorting to it to fill our own emotional needs!)

In the final days of my pregnancy, I also resorted to threats more often. If you come out one more time, I'm locking your door!” “If you don't. . . then. . .” I hated resorting to threats, but I couldn't come up with another solution. What do you do when your child refuses to obey? I'm fortunate that my child is by and large a pleaser, and generally very obedient. But his streaks of rebellion are increasing and I'm finding myself befundled regarding how to handle them. My instinct is always threats. Even stupid ones, that I would never carry out, like, “If you don't get your socks and shoes on and come down, I'll leave without you!” (Yeah right!) I'm embarrassed to admit to such immature parenting. I finally realized a few weeks ago that negotiating with a three year old is rarely fruitful. Tom's method of saying “Too bad!” is often the best. It ends the conversation and makes it clear that a conclusion has been made. It's time for bed; no if, ands or buts!

This then leads to the discussion of how much should you discipline your kids? I've found that if I primarily do things Scotter's way, and ask little of him then we have a lovely day free of frustrating battles. But as soon as I start asking him to do things he doesn't want to do, there's contention. I asked the young women in my ward this question. How do you encourage your children to be better, do more? They answered wisely that I should make the activities fun- even quoting “Mary Poppins.” Ironically, while I was at mutual seeking advice for how to be a better Mom, Tom was home with the two boys. He picked up and vacuumed the whole house in such a playful fun way that Scotland happily accompanied him the entire time. My husband's a saint. He is ever cheerful and patient. He also lets Scotland get his way a lot more than I do. You want three book, and stories, and songs, and music, and for me to get you a drink, and to keep your door open, and to get your teddy from down stairs, and to tuck you in for the fifth time. . . Sure! Where I would have probably said “Too bad!” when he requested the stories. The cynic in me questions whether a mother who is home all day could keep up such a playful accomodating manner all day. But then I see my hard working husband, who returns from a stressful 12 hour day and playfully, cheerfully handles our sometimes whiney obstinate toddler with ease and love. I'm, frankly, envious of how Scotter adores Tom. He will always choose Tom over me. He says “I love my Daddy” all day long. He says “I love you, Mommy” but far less frequently. I guess it's especially hard because I really work hard to be a fun, engaging mother. But at the end of the day I'm only willing to play duplos and talk about dragons for so long, and it's significantly shorter than Tom. I know its not a competition, and I feel I deserve credit for inflating Tom in Scotter's eyes. I talk glowingly of him all day, making sure that Scotland feels he is present even as he is away. But as a pleaser myself it's hard not to be the favorite. (I'm displaying my immaturity again.)

Whenever, I refuse to play with Scotland in favor of doing the dishes. Or when I end the day with a few quick books, a prayer and a good night kiss, I justify that I'm building character and independence. But am I just being selfish?

Scotter and I watched a bunch of “Mormon Messages” this morning and many highlighted this idea of lightening up and being more playful with your kids. Is it possible that loving your kids to be more is just as, or more, effective as pushing your kids to be more? Asian and Jewish populations are famous for both their excellent children and their intense mothers. Or perhaps being more shouldn't be the goal?

I love parenting infants because my main responsibility is just loving them. But with a toddler I feel this pressure to teach him, enrich him, challenge him- and I'm not sure how to go about it. Perhaps I've passed into Parenting 201.